“I am a combined effort of everyone that I have ever known.” – Sierra Luella. And now I am unlearning and becoming everything I am supposed to be outside of everything and everyone I have ever known – I hope I am making sense.
When I look at where this journey of healing began I literally get teary eyed because it has been gruesome, challenging and confusing but I can proudly say that all the habits I now maintain have made life much sweeter. I feel whole, I feel happy and I feel extremely accomplished – in my books of course.
2013-2017 was a rollercoaster, now I hate rollercoasters. Sometimes I like to call it the time of my life because I don’t believe I was conscious of anything that was really happening within me – I was out of touch, in denial and half the time waiting for the world to give me the go ahead in everything I ever wanted First of all, I am never here to sugar coat any of my struggles because they will hopefully help another person realize that they’re not alone and the way they’re feeling is valid. I have had a very draining and miserable 1095 days before Jan 2018 happened of course. This has been on and off but mostly on.
I remember being in final year of my LAW degree – which I haven’t completed YET, and having this deep fear of graduating because that meant my future was set in stone. The fear was so crippling that I would just sleep and not the the work, One wouldn’t understand – I would literally put myself in situations that would result in me failing or would think of the worst case scenario – I would go partying knowing very well I had an oral exam which i had ro be prepared for and had a team to impress..now that’s self loathing. Self-sabotage is a real thing and only now I’m realizing that.. even though I am in the best place mentally I could’ve done better to ensure my loved ones had the degree…..saw the fruits of their labour.
It was gossip over growth and gain, I remember feeling anxious and heavily depressed or experiencing symptoms of depression and I say that because I was never diagnosed. The feeling of loneliness and unhappiness came so often that feeling happy was taboo. I was in the dumps and to this day I am surprised I still have people in my life. I apologize to everyone I was the toxic person to.
Fast forward to today, and I am in a well furnished cute studio working for a bomb ass woman whilst enjoying the fruits of blogging, speaking at events about topics I am passionate about, planning trips, enjoying staycations, watching Sarah Jakes Roberts share profound sermons, part of a cool book club and genuinely happy for other people’s accomplishments. I am enjoying mouth watering finger licking foods and strong enough to give education another shot. I am in a season of learning and gaining knowledge daily whilst writing down everything I keep learning in order to implement that once I start my multimillion dollar company – you feel me 🙂 Tell me you do.
I just want to say that I no longer feel broken I no longer feel like I’m floating and I have belief in myself that is indescribable. Nowadays I appreciate every single thing about being alive about being given a second chance at life. God is good, God is faithful………………………..and now I go to war everytime I see something that is Anti-me that is anti-higher me. God has exceeded every expectation and I am extremely grateful
I have never felt more myself than I do now, at this very moment.
January 2018 I decided to change my life, to change my mind by living a more purposeful life. By purposeful I mean asking myself questions I’ve been avoiding which escalated and brought me to a constant state of panic. Each day I would beg, beg for life to be different, beg for life to improve. Currently on a journey to doing my best and fully believing that I have what it takes but there’s a catch – My best means putting 100% into everything. The first half of 23 was extremely painful – there wasn’t a day I didn’t want to burst into tears, now we in the second half and I couldn’t be happier. Wine is no longer my crutch, tears are no longer my friend, and people are no longer triggers. I am committed to recovering – I want it. This hasn’t been without God’s help. This is only the tip of the ice-berg. I feel like I can breathe easier, I feel like I’m free, the hard part is that now I feel every emotion extremely deeply – being passionate has its downfalls. I hope 24 year old me is better and continues to live a happier place.
Today I can say that God pulled through God decided and I am grateful…
In the grand scheme of things I know things won’t be rosey 24/7 .. Last week was a really really hard week. A week of doubt, a week of fear, a weak of confusion which is torture. I’ll admit my tunnel vision is the problem sometimes. Life is a combination of trial and error, low lows and high highs. Ultimately you have to do whats best for you and sometimes you’ll find yourself wondering whether what you’ve chosen is best. keep moving and learning.
Tracee Ellis Ross said, “We grow up chronologically declaring hypothetical deadlines for our goals.” She went on to say, “Im constantly asking myself questions, reminding myself, Are you making that decision for you or someone else ?”….ANd that’s how I live my life now.
The year of realizing things
Ahhh my nose is so big, this makeup is not doing the things, my stomach just isn’t flat enough, photoshop would do me good right now, my boobs aren’t perky enough, I wish my legs were lighter, more leaner and my arms wow the softest things I have ever touched, my cellulite though – so disappointing, and my hair not long enough, not strong enough, not ideal texture because it’s not like mang mang’s. I am continously preying on my insecurities because thats what I have always known. This is a reflection of how unhappy I have been and feeling out of control.
The older I get the more challenges I am faced with, so with each good day I make sure I celebrate surviving all of the hardships and most importantly ensuring I am letting go and moving forward. This post was an outfit post but as I was editing the images and making sure they were acceptable for public consumption I realized how evil and mean I was being to myself. How I was only identifying the problem areas and not once did I acknowledge the parts of me I appreciated or how far I’ve come in 6 months.
Turning 23 has made me more conscious of the way I treat myself, it has MADE me. I’ll just have to use this post to thank God for all the blessings and to truly appreciate being alive read fully present and experiencing life fully plus trying my best at everything I commit to. 24 I hope to be wiser and bolder. Another year I will be dedicating my life to God who is the catalyst for the next level. This year I will be ‘letting go and letting God’ and feeling the calmness of my spirit as I walk this journey with God. In my 24TH year I vow to stop putting a lot of pressure on myself as this will help curb my anxiety.
I want to free myself from feeling overwhelmed and feeling like a failure when I don’t measure up to my own expectations of perfection. I’ll be enjoying life the best way I know how which entails trying new things and being more adventurous. This upcoming year (24) I wish to leave confusion in any form behind. I will continue sewing the seeds of happiness. I will remember to always look carefully at the choices I am making and the words I use to describe myself. I hope we can all reach a day where we look in the mirror and just say hallelujah praise the lord. Appreciating what I’ve been given. Take an hour, fall apart, catch your breathe and then figure it out – That’s the way.
Focusing on what I am not has set me up for failure and constant disappointment, I’m saying no more. Lets be kinder to ourselves and be more grateful for small mercies this is one way of self-preservation. I have a reasonably good body, a mind that’s crazy and face that’s perfect…. the world is continuing to become a very uncomfortable place so I’m asking you all to face up to the seriousness of negative self-talk.
Random realization —–> I LOVE YOU CWAYITA and you’re doing amazing sweetie.
Today I asked myself the question again, Cwayita how do you want to feel going forward ? And the answer remained the same —-> I want to be united with my true self and to embody a confident and comfortable woman. I think a good life begins with this.